Last Broken Ankle Belly Injection.

Here we go! 5 days until my evaluation!

P.S. Good riddance.

Heartbreak and Rollerskates

A nostalgic look at my skates when they were new (circa November 2010). I still love them.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t bummed out about not skating.

The broken-ankle stuff I can handle. I decided early on that I was not going to adopt the “woe-is-me” attitude and it’s really helped me get through some tough times.

That being said, I’ve actually had a hard time talking about some very real feelings and fears I am harboring.  I’ve spent so much time and energy convincing everyone else (including me) that, “It’s whatever and I’ll figure it out.”

These are the things I try not to think about:

• What if I don’t play roller derby again?
• What if I don’t go back to skating at all– including hockey and recreational skating?
• What if going back to derby is physically unsafe for me and others? (And here, I mean “more than the regular amount of unsafe that makes derby awesome, exciting, and fun to be a part of.”)
• What long-terms complications might I have from these injuries? Are any future complications irrelevant, since my ankles have already been broken? There’s no changing what’s done, so I should just do whatever I want.
• What if I want to go back to skating and my friends and family don’t support my decision? I don’t need the confidence of others to have confidence in myself, but moral support is always appreciated.
• Sub-Point: It’s kind of a slap in the face to be like, “Thanks for all the help when I was broken, twice. I know you don’t want me to do this but I am 100% giving the middle finger to your feelings. Practice starts in half an hour; gotta run.”
• What if these broken ankles mean something in the cosmic or psychic scheme?
• What if breaking these ankles doesn’t mean anything other than bad luck lightning can strike twice?
• Will going back and participating in derby in another capacity always feel like a consolation role instead of a fully-realized, wholly-different, equally valid responsibility?
• What will I be missing if I don’t go back?

These weren’t ever a part of the conversation during my first break. I knew I was going back. It was such a freak accident that there was no way I could be convinced not to immediately try again.

Now, I’m not so sure what happens next. My solution: procrastinate.

I have a screw that’s holding my tibia and fibula together so my ligaments can mend. That screw isn’t coming out for a year– so skating in any aggressive or competitive capacity is off the table for a while. This time is a gift. It’s giving me the excuse to take time out for other life things I’ve let slide (like moving and wedding planning, etc). I am able to reevaluate my priorities and schedule now that I’m not automatically planning to skate/practice/train 5 days a week. It’s forcing me to step back and allowing me to re-learn my body.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss it. For brief moments, it absolutely kills and I find myself crying from this paralyzing feeling of absence. The smallest thing, such as remembering how the air feels in the rink when I’m gliding around turn 3 or hearing the song on the radio that is my public-skate-jam, breaks the heart of whatever strength I’ve been leaning on. It really, really sucks.

I’ve shed more tears and felt more feelings over my roller derby situation than some breakups I’ve had. I don’t know what happens next and I’m not rushing to find out because I’m afraid I won’t like what I find.

In sum, if I could change my Facebook status about it, it would say “It’s Complicated.”

Update: Breakthroughs

Yesterday was a big day for me. I started crying while riding the stationary bike  at PT (Ke$ha was playing on the radio) and I drove a car for the first time since June.

Physical Therapy has been going really well. I’ve missed the incredible feeling of working out and, in a short period of time, muscle tone is already coming back. My life has lacked the freedom of movement since I’ve been unable to drive or get around without crutches for what seems like forever. This past week I started walking without crutches for short periods of time and I’ve been able to ride the stationary bike at PT.

I was overcome with all kinds of emotions yesterday, while riding. Five minutes in, I started to break a sweat and almost thought “I don’t want to do this.” Then, a whole flood of memories from my time at my parents house came back to me. I thought about the first six weeks being stuck on the couch. I remembered having that heavy splint that I couldn’t get wet. I remember my leg shrinking inside of the splint and feeling my bones rattling around inside of it every time I moved. I remember falling down on the kitchen floor and not knowing how to feel about it. I remembered that terrible smell of sweat and dying skin that followed me everywhere. The entire month of July really sucked, except for a few bright spots. All of the bad things coming into focus put my ability to pedal into perspective and I cried tears of happiness. It was awesome.

My bike is now on a trainer!

Things are going really great. Even though there’s been some tough times, I’ve found good in this situation. Maybe my sunny disposition is related to the daily exercise I’m doing.  I know how incredibly lucky I am to have good health insurance and a job that can work with my ever-changing status. I’ve been reading We Are the 99 Percent blog and there’s been different emotions stirring with that too. I support the Occupy movements even though I haven’t been involved in any of them. I’ve been examining my activism and my priorities lately and there’s a lot of things I need to think about.

In other news, I can’t wait to skate again. It’s my biggest motivation for working out and walking around. A friend of mine from my Fresh Meat class gave me this little gift at the last SCDD bout. I pass by it every day and it makes me smile.

She said this reminded her of me after I described skating as "having tiny cars strapped to your feet."

I’ve talked to anyone who will listen about changing some stuff up on my skates before I get back in them. Ideally, new skates would be my preference, if I wasn’t saving hardcore for the wedding. I don’t believe in bad luck, but I do believe in bad vibes. Despite the fact that they are perfectly fine, I still feel the need to change some things on them before I can get back out there. I’m thinking new wheels, laces, and a total cleaning. I’d rather be psyched-up over skating than psyched-out.

Broken Ankle Resolutions

Long Hair (Before)

Feeling good about myself, since breaking my ankle and undergoing surgery, has been a moving target I seem to be chasing/crutching after. Every day is a little touch and go based on how I feel about my circumstances at that given moment. I push forward, focusing on the positive and trying to ignore any bad energy that tries to creep in. For the past few months, I’ve been really happy with my life and my appearance. I’ve been watching my body change and grow stronger from doing derby, hockey, and P90X. Since the whole broken-ankle debacle, I’ve been witnessing the slow deterioration of my muscles. It bums me out. I really, really wish I was skating right now.

I’m not going to let this temporary set back get me down though. I’m determined to keep up my positive self-perception and work on myself on a daily basis. I spend most of my days sitting on my parents’ couch, accumulating dog hair on all of my clothes, so it’s hard to find a reasons to actually get dressed. In order to stave off craziness and possibly depression, I’m making myself a list of crutch-life resolutions to help keep me going.

• Keep my nails lookin’ good
• Keep my space tidy and edited down
• Get a haircut
• Buy new clothes
• Get rid of clothes and edit down what I have
• Figure out an exercise regimen and stick to it
• Go out whenever possible– be sure to get out of the house
• Read at least 1 new book a week
• Keep a daily to-do list and follow through with it

Short Hair (After)

It’s hard to see exactly what my haircut is supposed to be by looking at this, but that’s okay. I think the lady who cut my hair and I had two completely different ideas about what “please keep these parts long” means. She had already cut too much off by the time I realized what was happening, so this was a compromise. Whatever, my hair will grow out in, like, two weeks because that’s what it does.